Purgation

I’ve just read the “Mystical Life” chapter of the book Franciscan Spirituality where Brother Ramon suggests that there are 3 stages on the Mystic Way: Purgation, Illumination and Union.

Meditating on these stages I immediately knew of my desire for Union with God and believe that I have experienced moments of such union in my teens and early twenties. But I realised that before either of these stages comes Purgation: repentance, penitence, sorrow; and that if I really desire Union, I should also desire Purgation.

A few years ago I completed a long questionnaire designed to show me what my strengths were. One of the was Ideation: the love of new ideas, which is certainly true. Having not gone to a congregation for many years, I have said many times that TED talks are my “sermons”. I love how many of them challenge my world-view or teach me something I never knew about others, the natural world, or myself. The idea of Illumination speaks to me of this realisation of deeper truth, something new and undiscovered in my relationship with God.

Brother Ramon makes a point that the Purgation stage is not meant to be a negative experience or filled with negative emotion, but there is something in me which dreads the process or purging, or pruning. Remembering times when I have felt the conviction of Christ makes my heart feel heavy with remorse that I had been so selfish that I needed that refining fire to burn away the impurities in me, but I also remember the joy of being forgiven and exposed before God. I will need courage and His grace to desire Purgation!

Amy’s Playlist

I had a bit of a semi-sabbatical time over April, May and June this year. One of the reasons for the time off was to work through the grief I haven’t had time to process before. I decided before the semi-sabbatical to create a playlist of songs which remind me of Amy:

Miracle Foo Fighters, In Your Honour

Stop This Train John Mayer, Continuum

For Every Tear You Cry Aaron Frith

10,000 Stones Adrianne

Daughters John Mayer, Heavier Things

Learn To Live With What You Are Ben Folds, Sunnysuperspeedgraphic

Canonball Damien Rice, O

Dreaming With A Broken Heart John Mayer, Continuum

Georgia The District, The District

To Make You Feel My Love Mick McAuley & Winifred Horan, Serenade

Ever After You (Live) The Gabe Dixon Band, Live At World Cafe

Agnus Dei Rufus Wainwright, Want

The Longing Eels, Hombre Lobo

Stop This Train

I recently came across a song by John Mayer called Stop This Train (lyrics here) which is beautiful.

I have listened to it over and over again over the last week or so, each time finding myself connect with his lyrics. It gives me a feeling of nostalgia and a longing for a different version of my life.

I finally expressed how I connected with the song to Mary-Lou last night when talking about feeling sad about losing Amy. If this is the train I’m on, the one where Amy has died, then yeah, stop this train because I want to be on the one where Amy didn’t die.

In his lyrics, John Mayer sings about the advice his Dad gives him. He says wait until you’re older, then you’ll realise that you can’t stop this train, you can’t change the place you’re in.

I really like the idea that age brings wisdom. I really loved the Proverbs about wisdom when I was younger. And perhaps I’ve idolised wisdom at points.

But if I’m to grow wise through losing Amy, I don’t want it. I want her.

A Broken Heart

Mary-Lou and I were at our favourite restaurant on the Curry Mile this evening – Fatoosh. Over the speakers Damien Rice was singing and we agreed that his music was quite sad. I really liked what I was hearing, having never really heard his stuff, and wondered why there aren’t equally talented Christians writing this kind of sad, melancholic music.

I remembered listening to a CD of Peter Mayhew talking about the Lament in the Bible and noting that very few popular worship songs sung today are laments. Most of them are praise or adoration songs, often based on Psalms yet most of the Psalms were laments.

It dawned on me that many popular secular songs are laments talking about lost love, painful experiences or broken hearts.

I wondered whether God had broken my heart.

I feel that God has broken my heart by allowing Amy to die. He had the power to save her but didn’t resulting in all this pain and suffering I have felt, do feel and will feel. My heart for Amy was broken since I am not able to express my love for her to her int he million ways I wanted to. And my heart for God was broken since he didn’t stop something from happening which damaged me immensly.

He has allowed me to suffer and feel deep, aching pain, most of which I have yet to face and it has broken me and my heart, or love, for God.

How can you mend a broken heart?